How I See Myself

In 5 years I will be 30...

When I was in college and early 20s, I feared so much to be 25 as I thought by then I will be old and still lived a meaningless life. Check check double check!

When I was nearing 25 I had a panic attack since I realized I've never cultivated a relationship with the opposite sex and still a virgin. That's why a few months before my birthday I flashed all my ideals to drain. Becoming the "go-getter' in my barkada.

Now that I have become old and like expected, lived a meaningless life I again feared to be 30. I really hope when I turned 30 I did a little to my life that made it meaningful. i remember when 'Tita Gwyneth Paltrow' was asked (years ago) about becoming 30 she put her hands on her face and said with a facial expression that she's scared. gaahd! i can totally relate to her now.

when i look back i hope I've done the following:
- have a family - not just my parents and sisters but a real family with husband and hopefully i already have one kid
- love my work - not totally crazy workaholic towards my job but actually being contented and satisfied with my job i don't want to go somewhere else
- be in perfect shape - like Jessica Alba body and hopefully by then a 'vegetarian' (not realistic! not realistic!

with the kind of life I'm living now am pretty sure I'll stay in this state for the rest of my life. i have to make drastic changes but am a little lost...
I'm praying to St. Jude constantly. i really wanna know my direction. haaay!! prolly this is due to the gloomy weather...

Cannie, Jemima and Me

So my friend van sent me 2 ebooks that she said were fab and an interesting read… so being kinda bored on weekends I decided to print Good In Bed and miraculously read (partially), Jemima. Van almost always reminds me to read since I can relate daw to the books. I started with Good In Bed which is about a large woman who couldn’t get over her past love Bruce, then now am starting to read Jemima which is not surprisingly about a Large woman again (But I have yet to find out, as van who hopefully did not exaggerate said it is way nicer than Good In Bed)

I was a little stunned when I found out that both books were about overweight girls. I was expecting it would be one of those no brainer, about a semi-dimwit, clumsy girl who was chosen over a model look-a-like by some divine guy we can only read in books. But like I mentioned it was all about fats.

However, I couldn’t agree more when van said I can relate. Should be since like the protagonists Cannie and Jemima, I…

Struggled with weight for years
At one time gulped all the slimming teas and even tried diet pills
May have overdosed on Laxatives
Drunk too much diet sodas and tried Equal and Splenda as sweeteners
Would sometimes dream having a fabulous body (like Jessica Alba)
Enrolled in online diet tracking, formulated a diet (success/fail) tracking sheet in Excel and bought myself a weighing scale

But unlike Cannie and Jemima, I never got around loving my body and accepted the (unfabulous!) curves. I went on a diet that I may be feeling the effect now by constantly being sickly and sometimes always feeling sleepy.

However though, there is nobody else who can relate to their struggles, failures and little successes that is normally followed by binges. I can relate to those sufferings like when u just swallowed a cake after successfully not eating dinner the night before or buying yourself a breakfast from McDo after a jogging.

But despite the almost similar plot but a different ending. Both books were a good reminder to never lose sight on what’s real beauty and to never lose that sunny personality as same with Jemima and Cannie, they won over their boys by making fun of themselves a little and not taking their struggles too seriously. Hihih!

after then before photo:

Mixed Thoughts

A neighbor is selling fishballs, tempura, Kwek2 and of course “french fries” which am now really addicted to. I eat every after work. Am now worried on my cholesterol level. I’ve been monitoring my weight but not much change… maybe I’ll feel it next week when I get back home…

I have been craving cake and lumpia shanghai from jollibee.. Should be because my period is coming up but am also worried it could be the other thing.

I got to visit my inaanak and the very smart Iya - I got to see their progress a little, and experience first hand riley’s mischievousness. My god! That kid is a handful.. Seriously!! But really cute!

I need encouragement… seriously long distance love affair doesn’t work. We’ve only been apart 3 weeks and I really doubt if this man can keep up with the regular communication and constant long-distance-assurance that’s needed. He is failing and am expecting… I even dreamt about it! Gahd!! Keep your cool lao u still have until december.

I’ve been sleeping really early these days… I don’t enjoy local television and blogging is not that fun. I really need a life.

I prayed last night for him to come back. I doubt it… but I really hope I can spend a little more time with him. Then we can figure things out and really decide what to do… am sooo depressed and concerned about this.. Wahhh!! I’m having a relapse…

and major highlight is i saw this cute pic of me, van and JR…

Dieting and Moving On

September 2007, I was working on a night shift then, when I decided to seriously go on a diet (I have gone back and forth on dieting since time immortal). Hence from that day forward, I went on starving myself, I embarked heart and soul on after 6 diet, totally eliminated rice in my meals and willfully but not happily stopped eating my fave food french fries. Imagine how miserable I was after that… And imagine how miserable I was when after 2 weeks I gained 2 pounds. My gahd!!

It wasn’t easy… it took 1 year for me to reach that weight goal. There were bad days, and there were even days when I’d dream that I was eating dinner and feel really bad (no kidding!). I was that determined but really foolish.

This time though, I have seriously, willfully and again not happily decided to move on. It may take me a year to completely shake him off my system and after 2 weeks I may feel unsuccessful but then I think this Is really what I need…

Finally Got My Check Up

Last night, I only got maybe three hours of sleep due to my cough. So the next day, just when the Jollibee (Walter Mart Manggahan Branch) opened and after I bought myself a pink umbrella, I was quite ready to have my check up. Everything went well, the doctor was not annoyingly late and he knew the process of my Medserv Card. I went on telling him that I had this cough for a month already, how I haven’t gotten enough sleep due to coughing, the color of my phlegm (which is white), my self prescribed medicines and how I had a flue vaccine a week earlier before having an actual flue (He laughed about it of course).

He asked standard questions like if I have asthma, nostril allergies (if I feel funny in my nose) or Ulcers or Hyperacidity. Apparently these three are the most common reasons for prolonged dry cough. I did not have neither of those. He went on to examine my back (using stethoscope) and told me that my lungs do sound normal. At the end of the examination he asked me to get a chest X-Ray and see if I have Bronchitis, prescribed medicines for my cough (which after I drink I feel super sleepy), anti-allergy meds and antibiotics due to my cough’s duration. (talk about expensive medicines)

At the end of it all, though I haven’t noticed any improvement in my cough now, am just quite thankful I have my medserv card or else I would have been too poor today. This sat, I will be back for the X-ray results and praying that I don’t have any serious illness. Am just scared since most of the people (including me) have not been given good news lately. Oh well! I really hope I could go to that “manghihilot” in cebu where my mom brings me, every time I have cough or “panuhot”.

Please pray for my Health!

A Little Healed

I think my heart has gotten better. I am back to my usual routine of sleeping quite well. Last week, I’d be lucky to get 2 hours straight sated sleep but now all I do is sleep. This weekend I have quite activities lined up. I’ll be cleaning our house which I have pushed out for a month already. And my room really reallyy needs thorough cleaning, if you throw a pale of water you’d actually see mud covering the floor, really that bad. My curtains needs washing and our furniture need dusting.

Unfortunately though with my heart getting better, my body seemed to be deteriorating by the minute. My bruises which I suffer every month is kinda worse this menstrual cycle and my cough which is hunting me for over a month has also gotten worse. Aside from my general cleaning this weekend I also need to see a doctor and most likely I’ll have to get an Xray to rule out TB (which I may be suffering!).

Amazing how our body works, when u suffer matters of the heart, your body just seemed to also absorb the pain. But I think after this cough I’d be physically, mentally and spiritually healed, that if I’m not dead. Good Luck!

One Week with Courser

Our Shanghai counterparts came for a one week face to face… well ok nothing quite exciting about that, But…

Courser, is the only guy in PD without a girlfriend so being the flirt and the super single that I am, I kept on teasing myself to him and bug him once in a while with photos of myself.
At one point, my officemate even edited his and my picture so that we’d look together. Despite all this, my sweet counterpart did not even bother to reply to this malicious emails and kept mum while this was happening. So everyone including me were quite excited to see him in person and really see if indeed he was as withdrawn as he seemed to be. Ok ok.. I was more excited because my real counterpart told me he sent everyone a gift and was really looking forward to that.hihih!

So going back the week was filled with teasing, taking too many pictures and realizing that this counterpart was jolly and even jived with everyone when he was teased. My impression of him did kinda change. But despite the fact that he was pretty clear he wouldn’t like me, I know that his vacation here was quite worthwhile.